By: Latoya Hammond
Have you ever asked yourself How do you heal and deal with a broken relationship when your other half isn’t a part of the process? Then girl, I GOTT U!
Shouldn’t they be? After all, they clearly played a part in the brokenness and pain of the relationship. However, they are not playing an active role in the healing process and the strategies necessary for recovery and healing. Strategies like hmmmm…I don’t know, therapy, counseling, relationship coaching?
Real life strategies that go beyond the two of you.
Regardless of the participation of others in the healing process, the process must begin and end with the master strategist . . . God! He created you; molded you; and has the answer to everything you need! I was listening to one of my favorite female voices of our time, Sarah Jakes Roberts and she was speaking about being in a place of need. In this place, there may have been things you needed in a relationship (not just a romantic relationship) that you learned to live without. I have come to realize and I can admit that there were times that I was looking for my spouse to fill hollowed places of need that truly only God could fill. As I got older and began to trust God more, I began to trust Him for those things which I unfairly expected from my husband. Come on girl, you know the areas we seek reassurance from others: unconditional love, validation, support, affirmation, and understanding. And although I believe those things should be present in your relationship, the expectancy should be anchored in God!
Listen, if you are working on wholeness in the midst of separation, your focus has to be on you until the other person is ready. Unfortunately, the reality is they may never be ready. However, their inability cannot and should not affect your forward movement. Their unwillingness to confront their responsibility - which can help to heal them as well - has nothing to do with you! Please remember my sister that their unreadiness does not give you the right to heap judgement or place expectations upon them. How, when or if, they deal with what has happened is not your concern unless it brings direct danger to you or your family. I know, you want them to recognize that deep within resides some deeper issues that need to heal. You scratch your head because you don’t understand how they can go on with their lives as if everything is alright without receiving healing in the broken areas of your relationship and even in their own lives. After all, who doesn’t want to be made whole? However, their process is their process. The one thing we can do is pray for them. Yes, I said pray for the one who hurt you. This takes changing your perspective from who hurt you to what caused them to hurt you..."hurt people hurt people". What I have found is praying for the person that hurt you to be healed begins to replace your hurt with compassion and peace. Because at the end of the day they are still God's child. In prayer you are giving it over to God! Not, saying it’s easy and it does take time, but it is ultimately for your healing.
For a while, I struggled with how to heal from this separation on my own. Both of us are a part of this life collision, so shouldn’t we be doing the repairing together? There were times I even felt guilty focusing on working on me. I had to learn to get to the place of belief that it was NOT selfish to focus on ME!!! If you’re like me, this can be hard because you’ve often times considered other people’s feelings above your own. Even those who have done you wrong, or haven’t shown up for you, were given a higher priority than you. Those days are over. I need you to understand that your healing begins when you choose to show up for yourself and keep moving forward!! With every step trusting that God knows what is best for you.
You move forward because you are capable of great things! Yes, even on the other side of heartbreak, there is greater for you. God created you whole and perfect in His sight long before the relationship. However, life causes cracks in the masterpiece that is YOU! The good news is with God’s infinite love you will be restored!